*Disclaimer: These are observations and experiences I have had
dealing with some members of the church. Most Christians are really cool
folks...but then there are these...
1. You are at Church, front center every Sunday, Sunday night, Wednesday Night, Revival, and Special Singing Services. Not to mention you are at and probably in charge of every church breakfast, lunch, or dinner out of fear you’ll miss gossip and be condemned to hell by the minister or other members of the congregation. Plus it makes you look SO good!!
2. Attend every get together, function, visitation, religious ribbon cutting, wedding or funeral of every member, former member, or visitor who came once and never came again, whether you knew them or not.
3. Pray about each and every little thing in your daily life, including silly little things like if it is all right for you to clip your toe nails even though they look like Fritos—God is more than likely in Heaven shaking his head wishing you would get a life.
4. Suddenly, you remember the laws of the Old Testament and run to ask your husband if it is all right with him if you cut these same toe nails. Your hubs praises God and gives Him a spiritual high-five because he is tired of having to go get stitches every morning from those razor sharp toe nails!
5. You think anyone outside of your church is weird. (Applies to men and women.)
6. Everyone outside of your church thinks you’re weird. (Applies to men and women.)
7. Some people inside of your church think you’re weird—they obviously aren’t as righteous as you. (Applies to men and women.)
8. Everyone is going to hell outside your particular church—and half those inside your church—even people of the same denomination, not to mention the cat, the dog, the goldfish, that busty weather girl, and that weird cock-eyed kid down the street. There is no hope, they’re all doomed no matter what!
9. Your kids are the biggest hell raisers in a 200 mile radius and you, of course, are completely oblivious, because after all, you raised them in the church and they know better than to rebel.
10. Ned Flanders from “The Simpson’s” is your ideal mate. (“Hi-diddly-ho, wife-erino!”) However, you also think "The Simpson's" is the devil.
1. You are at Church, front center every Sunday, Sunday night, Wednesday Night, Revival, and Special Singing Services. Not to mention you are at and probably in charge of every church breakfast, lunch, or dinner out of fear you’ll miss gossip and be condemned to hell by the minister or other members of the congregation. Plus it makes you look SO good!!
2. Attend every get together, function, visitation, religious ribbon cutting, wedding or funeral of every member, former member, or visitor who came once and never came again, whether you knew them or not.
3. Pray about each and every little thing in your daily life, including silly little things like if it is all right for you to clip your toe nails even though they look like Fritos—God is more than likely in Heaven shaking his head wishing you would get a life.
4. Suddenly, you remember the laws of the Old Testament and run to ask your husband if it is all right with him if you cut these same toe nails. Your hubs praises God and gives Him a spiritual high-five because he is tired of having to go get stitches every morning from those razor sharp toe nails!
5. You think anyone outside of your church is weird. (Applies to men and women.)
6. Everyone outside of your church thinks you’re weird. (Applies to men and women.)
7. Some people inside of your church think you’re weird—they obviously aren’t as righteous as you. (Applies to men and women.)
8. Everyone is going to hell outside your particular church—and half those inside your church—even people of the same denomination, not to mention the cat, the dog, the goldfish, that busty weather girl, and that weird cock-eyed kid down the street. There is no hope, they’re all doomed no matter what!
9. Your kids are the biggest hell raisers in a 200 mile radius and you, of course, are completely oblivious, because after all, you raised them in the church and they know better than to rebel.
10. Ned Flanders from “The Simpson’s” is your ideal mate. (“Hi-diddly-ho, wife-erino!”) However, you also think "The Simpson's" is the devil.
11. If your satellite or cable provider had a “Pay-Per-Pray” channel, you’d be in the poor house.
12. You have read and reread every translation of the Bible there is—not to mention spent a fortune learning Ancient Greek and Hebrew just to make sure things are completely accurate.
13. You believe heels and jeans are for whores but gold and diamonds, the more the better, go well with knee-high stockings and black loafers.
14. The art of gambling is a sin but being drunk off your ass is cool; when it’s done discreetly that is!
15. You donate to Westboro Baptist Church in secret.
16. Just to be safe, you don’t eat meat on Friday, even though you aren’t Catholic—God forbid!
17. Gossip is sinful unless it is done in the confines of fellowship.
18. You think the Pastor’s home phone number is a 24 hour crisis line—especially when you needed advice on what to do when you coveted your own husband.
19. Anyone mentions work on Sunday or a holiday, you completely freak out! BUT you go out to lunch right after church, go to Walmart on religious holidays, and gripe because all the “mom and pop” stores are closed. “Well…sinners…got to work!”
20. All TV, Movie, or Music stars are bad and going to hell, yet you watch and freely give money to some televangelist who has six girlfriends, five boyfriends, 12 illegitimate children with 12 different women, lives in a mansion, has a private jet, and drives a Rolls Royce paid for by your generous donations!
21. You preach kindness, patience, and goodness, but you threaten to bash the cashier on the noggin at the market for not honoring an expired coupon for paper towels.
22. You condemn the dog to hell for pooping on your brand-new
beige carpet.
23. You only make love to your husband in the dark...modesty you
know.
24. You get pissed off because the pastor’s wife sold more
brownies at the church bake sale than you even though they tasted better than
your snickerdoodles.
25. Whores, porn stars, strippers, ladies in nudie magazines, or
gay people are not to be forgiven—ever! You must hold their pasts over their
head for the rest of their earthly existence; and NEVER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
let these heathens into the church because the whole place might catch on fire!
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Critiques are nice. There are many ways to critique something and not be a jerk about it. :)
No abusive comments--everyone is entitled to free speech under the constitution, which means the government cannot persecute you for what you say, however this does not mean I have to put up with nasty comments because you do not agree with what I write. If you cannot comment like a civilized human being with some sense, then go away.
Have a happy and a healthy! :)